Friday, December 25, 2015

BonaResponds was given Santa's WishList!

Merry Christmas Everyone! I am very happy to announce that BonaResponds has announced a Joint Venture with ‪#‎Santa‬ !
It is a long story, but I had a blast telling it, so enjoy:
In the spirit of an old Art Buchwald piece....
I am really happy to announce that BonaResponds will be working with Santa this year! And we would love you to help!
How did this joint venture come about? Well, it is a long story. It seems one day this past summer I emailed Santa to set up a meeting.
It turns out that August is a good time to reach Santa as production plans are in place but it is before the actual requests come in. So he had time to respond. We carried on a fairly long email correspondance (unfortunately it was on my account and the entire conversation had to be deleted due to lack of storage, but I digress).
The Highlights:
Me: “Every day we see more and more that the world turns on ‪#‎BigData‬. From all around the world, you get billions of requests each year for what people want. None of them have signed confidentiality agreements, your terms of service say nothing about selling or leasing the data. You are sitting on a gold mine!”
Santa: “Yes, I know. Or actually We know. I now have a CIE (Chief Information Elf) who makes incredibly accurate forecasts on the demand side and then also does wonders on the logistics side to save the reindeer much work come Christmas Eve.”
Me: “Wow, that is awesome! You your list is now not just on paper?”
Santa: “Oh no, that is just for traditionalists and marketing. We have some of the world’s best computers that you never have heard of (we make our own). And our databases? Well, let’s just say, I never forget. Remember that time you lied about doing your homework?”
Me: “What if someone hacked it? I bet it would be worth Trillions! You could sway elections, break up relationships, or even bring down major religions.”
Santa: “That is why we are so secretive and have it all under security that Snowden and crew can’t even imagine. We are at least 100 years ahead of the curve. Let me put it this way, Our tech security is to the NSA what the Reindeer team is to the UPS and the Post Office.”
Me: “Can I see it?”
Santa: “Sure, come on up next week. You can speak with Bill the CIE who will help you understand some of it and get a tour.”
Me: “Sorry I can’t. I have to teach next week. I could never get that approved as a research expense. And besides, isn’t really cold there?
Santa: “It is a bit chilly, but thanks to Global Warming it is much warmer than it used to be. One of my early mistakes: If I could go back in time, I think I would have given bad Boys and Girls celery instead of coal.”
Me: “How did you know I dislike celery?”
Santa: “You forget who you are talking to.”
Me: “Then you also know what I am asking for?”
Santa: “I have known since your first email. You want access to the Wish List.”
Me: “Can I have it? Please? I promise I won’t trade on it. I am sure insider trading would get me on the bad list”
Santa: “You are already on it. But let me think about it. We can have a video meeting next week.
The Next week on Skype:
Santa: “Hi! Glad you could make it. How is the first week of classes going?”
Me: “Oh you know. The typical problems. But the students are good.”
Santa: “HOHOHO You don’t need to tell me who is good or bad. That is my job! HOHOHO. Your students have been MOSTLY good. HO HO HO” (he really does laugh like that)
Santa: “I have been thinking about your request. I have a plan. I will share the list with you but only the non-tangible items on the list. I can’t tell you the number of toy trucks, baseballs, etc asked for. But I can tell you top non tangible things. BUT on the sole condition that you do not tell anyone until after I am done with this year’s delivery.”
Me: “Wow. Thank you! Yes. Please! I am speechless.”
Santa: “I am actually surprised for the first time in months. You speechless? You never shut up! Ho Ho Ho.”
Santa: “I am giving you the list because I think it is important to remind people that all around the world people want the same things. And that what people most want are things that I can not bring.
Me: “I don’t understand”
Santa: “You never were a very bright boy. Let me explain. I run the best and most efficient not-for-profit in the world. We make people happy all around the globe. We do it without government, university, or the Gates’ foundation backing. But we can’t do everything. We can make toys, build computers, program software and even grow food (our greenhouses are amazing and we outsource around the world). But we can not deliver intangible items.”
Me: “So how can I help?”
Santa: “Well, truth be told I am not sure you can. In fact my staff recommended that we cancel today’s meeting and I send you an email saying that something came up and I was too busy. But you know a wide variety of people and maybe you can tell the right person. Post it on facebook, put it on your blogs, etc.
You have some really good people at BonaResponds. Great group. Too bad you lead it and as a result of your poor marketing get so few volunteers, but none-the-less, I bet this message will go to some people who can help.”
Me: “Ok, sorry I don’t live up to your standards. I do try.”
Santa: “Yes, Yes. Always trying, rarely succeeding. Your life story. I will make it simple for you: We send you the list, and you post it. Easy enough?”
Me: “Yes. I can do that”
Santa: “Ok, good. I expect to see it on Christmas day. Or more likely I will see it on the 26th. I sleep most of the 25th.”
Me: “Thank you Santa! I will.”
A few seconds later I got the email from the CIE:
“Dear Jim,
Santa asked me to send you the compiled list of the top non-tangible items that people have requested. If you can be of any assistance on this list, it would be greatly appreciated.
Top Ten Intangible Wishlist items compiled by NorthPole Industries
1. Peace (includes items: end of war, no more terrorism etc)
2. Health (includes a cure for cancer, No more heart disease etc)
3. Happiness (includes To be Happy, That others are happy etc)
4. A home (includes “a place to live”, “a warmer house”, “to be able to stay at home”, etc)
5. An education (includes “Let me go to school”, “Let my children stay in school”, and “let my children have a better world” etc)
6. An end to violence (includes “no more domestic violence”, “less gun violence”, “no more robberies” etc)
7. A job (includes: “let me feed my family”, to “let me pay my debts”, to “let me make the world better”)
8. Less Stress (Includes: “let me relax”, “let me sleep better”, “let me not worry about personal safety” “let me know where my next meal is coming from” etc)
9. A better environment (Includes “Better environment”, “Save the ____”, “end Global Warming”
10. That people around the world become better neighbors (Includes: “End Arab-Muslim fighting”, “Let my family get along better”, and “That we all get along”.
Technical Note:
Many of these are interconnected (for instance #1, #6, #7, #10) are at some level all the same.
The list is the aggregate for the past 100 years. There have been some fluctuations. For instance, prior to the introduction of capitalism into China, “more food” was a perennial top 3 request. It is still very important but has declined.
Good luck with the list. I hope you can get the word out. Feel free to use Santa’s name on this. He said all of us here are to put the list on our New Year’s Resolution list. Thank goodness the silly idea of self-evaluations ended a few centuries ago here. Back a few hundred years ago he would have had us putting all of these on our evaluations. Never worked. Oh well. back to work. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
PS, I think if you achieve these items, you might even get back on the good list. Santa has not had to stop at your house for quite a while. He always did like your mom’s cookies!
William Elf
Chief Information Elf
North Pole Enterprises
So there you have it. The “LIST”. I got that back in late August. For 4 months it has been at the center of my thoughts. I have come up with a plan how BonaResponds and YOU can help Santa:
The plan is really really simple.
1. Love your neighbor
2.. We are all neighbors
3. Help your neighbor
That is my plan. Santa has signed off on it. We can do this!
While the plan is simple, delivering on all of the requests will take work. It will take money. It will take time. But we can start now. We can start today. Indeed, we must start soon. Every day we don’t start, means more suffering for people.
Merry Christmas. And thank you Santa for offering us a glimpse at your list and showing that #BigData really can make the world a better place when used correctly!

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